Motivating commitment : the power of a smart relationship unconscious

“The uttered part of a man's life, let us always repeat, bears to the unuttered, unconscious part a small unknown proportion. He himself never knows it, much less do others”. Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881). While Thomas Carlyle probably did not intend his words as a commentary on romantic love, his insights have telling implications for close relationships nonetheless. Perhaps the "unuttered" or unconscious mind knows something about one's relationship that the "uttered" or conscious mind does not fully appreciate. Imagine the potentially unhappy relationship fate of a low-self-esteem Gayle. Her conscious mind makes it hard for her to sustain her commitment. She constantly worries that Ron does not love her as much as she loves him (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000). Such doubts typically weaken her commitment by motivating her to distance herself from Ron-rejecting him before he has the chance to reject her (Murray, Holmes, & Collins, 2006). Might Gayle's unconscious mind better know how to sustain her commitment? Current social psychological theorizing and research on the "smart" unconscious give reason for optimism (Bargh, 2007; Bargh & Marsella, 2008; Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006; Murray, Holmes, & Pinkus, 2010; Wegner, 2002; Wilson, 2002). In proposing a new model of interdependence, Murray and Holmes (2009, 2011) attributed part of the "knowhow" to build stable relationship bonds to the unconscious. In this spirit, the current chapter reviews two lines of research that suggest that a smart relationship unconscious can sometimes better protect one's commitment than one's conscious mind. Through both lines of research, we argue that unconscious or automatic processes of partner valuing can help sustain relationship commitment in the face of sometimes disappointing realities, unless the conscious mind gets in the way.